I've been having some trouble sleeping lately. My mind just won't seem to give it a rest. But, this has allowed me some wonderful God-given quiet to process a lot of what has happened here to my dear, sweet girls. On two different nights, I was awakened with thoughts that I knew I needed to impart to them. Because of their ages, I knew lasting lessons would need to be written down.
I only decided to post my personal letter to my daughters here because I know this is my last window of opportunity to speak to the overlooked plight of the ex-pat or missionary kid. So often, what is good for the "ministry" or the "career" trumps what is good for the children. Thankfully, as in all things, the Genesis 50:20 principle applies here as well.
My Dearest Abigail, Caroline & Emma Kate,
If you can be faulted in anything, it would be only your naive optimism! With a pang of guilt, I can still see your eager, open faces as we left for our early morning flight to Stockholm last May. You could not have been more thrilled or more expectant to journey with us to a land you'd never seen. What examples you were to your daddy and I of faithful, joyful submission. This journey, this sojourn to Stockholm, has been a complete departure from what you expected of it. You have bravely and resolutely withstood the loss of your hopes for this place and for that I have gained a profound respect and admiration for each of you. But, on the eve of our departure, I want to draw a few lessons for you that I hope you can carry away with you as you go. In the spirit of a quote I once read whose author escapes me, “In the end, we decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it,” I offer these humble thoughts. Some of these lessons will seem much more usable later when hindsight is seasoned by maturity than they do now, but that is indeed how much of life works.
Lessons to leave with
“Making Swedish friends” . . . do you remember writing that, Abigail, on your list of things you looked forward to most about moving to Sweden? Swedish friends have proven to be quite difficult for an immigrant kid to make. My prayer for you is that you will allow that experience of being the outsider to draw you toward the heart of Jesus. Remember, he too came into our world as an immigrant. He came where he did not belong and the Bible makes it clear that his own people did not receive him well. But, just as you chose to do, he befriended those who needed him most—other outsiders. Building friendships with other immigrants, like Zilian and Ivon, was just what Jesus would have done in your shoes. I pray that you will carry the joy of those friendships with you and that it will cause you to see the mark of God's image being manifest in you. Rejection by one group always means more availability to another.
“Riding bikes downtown” . . . this is what you wrote, Caroline, on your list of things you looked forward to most about living in Stockholm. Little did we know that we would live far from downtown and that bicycles are not even allowed on the subway system! This phrase has become our little inside joke to label anything smacking of dashed expectations. But, my real prayer for you in this would be a fresh realization that we don't have all the pieces, only God does. In every endeavor you may pursue, remember . . . God sees the big picture, he knows how it all fits together; we don't. Walk humbly with your God, in complete reliance and dependence upon what He knows rather than on what you know. Our knowledge is always limited in some way because it is not omniscient.
“Sluta!” and “Akta!” . . . these are words you could not have possibly hoped for, Emma Kate, but they were the first Swedish words you came to understand. In your language they mean, “Stop!” and “Move!” What dreadful words to serve as an introduction to a language you were more than eager to learn. I remember how excited you were for your very first day in the Swedish förskolan. You have always been one who knows how to make friends! What could have prepared you for the isolation and cruel words you would experience there? My prayer for you is that you will allow that experience to draw you closer to Jesus. Like you, Jesus was told to “Stop it!” and to move out of the way. Remember how the Pharisees told him to stop saying he could forgive sins and how the Romans mocked him to move toward his cross as the “King of the Jews.” Jesus wasn't treated with much kindness in our world, but he knew nothing is gained by returning evil for evil. Instead he prayed, “Father forgive them for they don't know what they're doing.” People often underestimate the power of their words and attitudes; forgive and resolve to choose yours carefully.
None of us anticipated that finding a home to call our own for more than a year at a time would seem virtually impossible here. I know this has created a sense of unsettled insecurity in all three of you and this has made it particularly tough for you to bloom where you are planted. Experienced gardeners call this “transplant trauma.” And while I offer no excuses for asking you to endure this with us, I do want to encourage you to take away something useful for your own spiritual growth. We have called our journey to Stockholm a “missional pilgrimage,” not because Stockholm is a holy place, but because we recognize that we are indeed pilgrims in this world. We come from God for his purposes and it is toward his end that we are journeying. He is our Alpha and our Omega; our beginning and our end. I say all that to emphasize that this “unsettled feeling” we've been wrestling with while living here is really the proper way to feel about this world—no matter which part of the globe we reside upon! The Bible says that all the faithful of the Old Testament (listed in Hebrews chapter 11) confessed that they were strangers and foreigners on the earth who were looking for a better country—a heavenly one. To quote Thomas a' Kempis, “If you want to persevere and make spiritual progress look upon yourself as an exile and a pilgrim on this earth.” No matter where you live.
Never could your daddy and I imagine that when we brought you here we were virtually isolating you from all Christian companions. While we did expect fewer Christians here, we never expected you would meet not one Christian friend. We realize this has made the expression of your faith a very lonely, and often seemingly pointless, endeavor. Being created in God's image, the Trinity itself is proof that we were created to live in community with one another. My prayer is that you will take away from this experience a sense of how crucial it is to always surround yourself with a few companions along the way who will encourage and exhort you to live out your faith in remarkable ways. In exile, Daniel was strengthened by the support of his three Hebrew friends while the three Hebrew friends were exhorted by Daniel's example. Godly courage and conduct is strengthened by the examples of fellow pilgrims.
Being in a classroom where twelve native languages are spoken is an experience not many children ever have. What a privilege you have had to experience the limitless ways in which God chooses to display His image to the world! I pray fervently that your experience in your language class at Blackeberg will be your visual reminder (in full color) of God's desire for the nations—to join together every tribe and tongue in worship of him and in love for one another. May you never lose sight of your role in our covenant with God—that through us all the nations of the world may be blessed. But how does one person bless the nations of the world, you may ask? Think global, act local. No matter where you live, there will always be a foreigner to welcome and bless.
My dear girls, it is now past 4 AM and I must return to my bed or you won't know what to make of how grumpy I will be when you wake up in the morning. I was quite literally awakened a couple hours ago with some of these actual sentences running through my mind. Reluctantly, I knew I must drag myself from my “nice, warm bed” and put them to paper. I wanted to share them with you because I feel it is my duty to help guide you in redeeming this experience. Without doubt, I realize these are also lessons that God wanted to share with me. I know this has been the most bewildering and disillusioning experience for you to date, but I also know that God has a plan for your lives and I truly believe that this experience was a mysteriously necessary part of it! My prayer is that you will allow Him to use it for his purposes. All of it. The joy and the sorrow.
Remember, “In the end, we decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it.” I pray you will often remind me of these words as well.
All my love and affection,
Your Mama
